The Talk

This morning Phil and I had the talk.
His last pain management regiment went really well. Really well. So well, I wish we could do that one all over again!
I'm not sure if this Celiac Plexus just didn't work as well, they didn't hit the nerves just right, or maybe they missed something or maybe lowering the pain medications was a bad idea this month?
He is more uncomfortable now. We spend most days in our pajamas, ok Phil spends most days in his pajamas. Some days he makes a real effort go get out of the house and we go and do stuff around town. Usually it only lasts about 4 hours and he's back on the couch sleeping like he just ran a marathon.

So this morning, we had the talk.
"Will I ever be able to work for someone else again?"
"Could I make it on the job for a week with out calling in sick?"
"What if the doctor overlooked something?"
"What is this node they keep talking about on my pancreas, that supposedly isn't anything to worry about?"
"Should we get a second opinion?"
"WHAT IF ITS CANCER?" (of course I tell him to be quiet after this)
But then....it sets in. "What if it is?"
So we discuss this further. Other treatment options, second opinions, further testing etc.

Can Phil really just go on living his life through Celiac Plexus, morphine, percocet, and a hand full of other medications that he takes daily, or multiple times a day? Really?
We have no accurate account as to what is really going on. Why treat symptoms if we don't know the cause? Isn't the cause more important than treating something we have no idea what we are really treating?

One thing, I'm sure its not just one thing.
The nose surgery helped.
Next on the list is the allergist.
Get weekly allergy shots.

But allergies aren't connected to the stomach.
Its frustrating. I really really wish things could go back to normal. But if I can't take normal, I'd really like for things to go back to October-December 2011. That was the best he has felt in just over a year.

Some days he wakes up thinking that he might have to go to the hospital. Great. He goes to the hospital. Then what? What do we tell them to look for? They are the doctors, they are supposed to know this stuff but every time we've gone in, they look at us for answers.
So then, do we wait it out and call the doctor? But which doctor do we call? Do we call the pain management about the pain? Do we call the GI Specialist about other underlying issues that could be causing all the pain that he is in? Do we call the family doctor to see if maybe we could just get a referral over to the hospital so our wait isn't so long when we go?

I do have to say, Phil is a super trooper. He has kind of taken to his hobby, but honestly I don't mind. Because it keeps him busy, it keeps his mind off things. But mostly I love his hobby because he doesn't complain. In August when I first started staying at home with him. He would complain everyday. He would lay on the couch, and moan, and groan, and get snappy. He now has sucked it up, learned to deal with it for the most part. On days he really doesn't feel well, he will lay on the couch and either just watch TV or sleep. He doesn't complain (except for today). He has been amazing. Really and truly.

Last week we had Ava home with us for winter break at her school. Although she was sick the entire week, we all sat on the couch watched movies and TV. I'm not proud to say that my daughter now knows all the names of the cartoon characters on TV. Not a proud moment. But it was relaxing. I really saw the bond between Ava and her daddy grow ten fold. He has always loved her and he has done things for her but last week was an amazing exception. He held her, he gave her high fives. They cuddled and he helped her out with her bike and her colors and food and everything. He did good.

Hopefully we will get through these stupid medical humps and be on our merry way. Hopefully someday he will be able to live with out the medication. And hopefully someday we will find the cause for all this craziness.